go.....and joy

i am not a very introspective person...i try to be....i sometimes wish i were...but i'm not.....i don't spend a lot of time thinking, wondering or worrying about things.....i just happily go about the business at hand......writing makes you more introspective.....otherwise the writing turns into a laundry list of what you did today......i've always liked writing, journalling, documenting...but my writing is more observations of others...and life...than of what's in my soul......

in contrast to how i am, trying to be a full time artist makes one more introspective....but my brain, unaccustomed to introspection, runs the same thought loop......create something for the joy....oh that turned out lovely.....i wonder if anyone else will like it......can i sell this......does it count if i just give it away......sure it counts if you give it away......no, the affirmation is from someone saying they like it, want it, are willing to pay for it......that can't be right....are you just creating for the money, to sell it.....of course not, my being an artist has nothing to do with finances.....why are you doing art.....for the joy......and then i create something for joy and the whole process starts over again....oh, that turned out well.....

each and every time i make something, it is displayed in my family room....this is where i spend much of my time....so if it is in the family room i can study it, fret about it, make a decision to go back to the drawing board, literally and figuratively.....

stay with me here, i'm going somewhere.....

all that said, i was having a book club at my house, and i kind of just had art strewn about my family room...not really a rhyme or reason to what was propped where......on my side table i had paintings three deep....and my least favorite was in the front.....so, i redecorated....evaluated all of my OWN art in the room.....self critiqued......what should stay out....what was worthwhile....what still gave me joy after the passage of time.......i took that whole stack of canvases downstairs.....at least one of them will be painted over...... i rearranged, refigured, thought about some collages that seemed to have grown permanent spots in my family room......

one favorite, that has hung on a long narrow piece of wall next to the window, is these GO flowers......go, because i just used the go from bingo ...... when i made this painting i LOVED it....i still love it......but during my art wondering and redecorating the family room, i wondered why this particular piece, more than a year old, hadn't sold.....hadn't been chosen by the gallery to show......why no one ever mentioned it any more..... visitors to my house kind of can't help but noticing all the art......i guage some of my arts 'goodness' based on what people might say about it... do they notice and comment? ignore it? ......
so, these sweet go flowers......what's wrong with them? i loved them but was trying to wrap my head around why no one else maybe was......even if no one is buying it, let's not hurt little go flowers feelings and not talk about it....i considered taking it down......but decided not to, until i had another long, thin piece to put there...note to self: long thin painting soon......so.....

we had book club.....lovely time.....and two girlfriends were left at midnight....helping with dishes and clean up and whatnot......we were standing in the family room and one pal said "wow, is that new, i LOVE it....she was talking about GO flowers! ....how odd i thought...or is it cosmically interesting that she was interested in the piece giving me angst....and then she kept talking about it.....and the other friend answered and they had a little chit chat about this picture that i had been losing faith in....hmmm.......i hadn't thought about this collage in MONTHS even though it was in a prominent place in my home......and as soon as i start wondering about its worth (my worth? as an artist? oh no! introspection!!) ...the day i was fretting about this GO collage, dear pal comes along and professes her undying love for it? ....... so, i gave it to her....took it off the wall and said, you should have it.......little arguments ensued..... that's quite a party favor! ....... and off she went with her new art.......and i went to my basement and got another flower piece and put it on the wall...at midnight....it's the second one showing,here ...so that maybe no one would notice that the go flowers were gone! released into the world just for the joy......the joy of giving away...the joy of spontaneity.....the joy of losing the doubt....the joy of being nice to a friend......so, if you make a piece of art just for the joy of it.....it's kind of groovy, cool just to give it away just for the joy of it.....

ps....now i'm going to stop being introspective .... does that mean i'm not going to just give away art anymore? ....hmmmmm