happy ... or not .... it'll be ok ...

i have two kids that started high school in august ......
i wasn't ready for it ....
i'd go so far as to say i don't like it ....
last year they were at the sweet little school across the street ....
now i'm driving them across town ( i'm taking some whiny literary license here, it's not that far ) to high school where they are not babied or tended or hand held ... they are treated like adults ... and i'm not ready for them to be treated as adults ... let alone for them to be acting like adults .... i want to mother them .....
i'm good at being a mom ... i love being a mom ... i have a good mix of firm and strict and high expectations intermingled with kind and patient and loving and sweet and goofy and fun as all get out ....

 i really don't want them to be grown up .... 12 forever would be ok .... but they are already 14 .... what happens when they are 24? who will i be then when i don't have them to cement my identity as mom every day, every moment ...

things that come to mind ...
if they were twelve forever, would we just be doing algebra1 year after year after year .... not sure i can manage that repetition .....

if they were twelve forever, would they ... gosh, why'd i pick twelve? that's like the worst ever age for hormones boinging around and volatile personalities and acting like they are four when you want them to act fourteen ....

if they were twelve forever, i'd never find out what could be .... and isn't that really and truly what life is all about? finding out what can be ... what's next .... what can be achieved .... even if your achievement is being able to wake up at 5.45, wake up two 14 year olds at 5.47 and be out the door by 6.00 for the 6.15am basketball practice? so if that feels like an achievement, think about all the other things ... what can they accomplish in their lives beyond today? who can they be? who can they love? whose heart can they touch? who can they help? what deeds can be done ... great or small?

interestingly to me, i have been getting bogged down in not loving that they are growing up so fast .... it has made me wistful for the little things they used to be ... but i do love who they are .. what they are becoming ... those little hints of what they'll be like as adults ....

and really, that was just the long way round to the point of this post .... what has been the happiest moment of your life thus far? .... and i will be so bold as to say, i think i'm just genetically happy ... i can get bogged down in not so happy stuff like anyone .... but then sometimes i forget the real life stuff and i'm just happy ... yesterday afternoon i was in the backyard with my dog and the wind was blowing .. gusting really .... whooshing around me ... and orange and yellow leaves were coming down off the trees .... and my tiny dog was sprinting in tight circles around my feet and i just felt joy .... i felt joy and i twirled in the the leaves ... i alternated between chasing the dog and chasing leaves .... then i wondered if neighbors were looking out their windows and seeing me twirl in the leaves and the wind with the dog ... and it didn't matter .... nothing wrong with a little joyful twirling ....

last night i had a meeting at the kids' high school ... mr.e.beck.artist went with boy.beck.artist to his peer leadership group, and i went with girl.beck.artist .... we sat in a circle and were asked to share our answers to a series of questions .... one of them (oh my what serendipity) was the same as this blog post prompt: what was the happiest moment of your life .... and i would argue that there is no happiest moment ... there might be a happiest memory, the moment you were blissfully aware of your happiness, the moment you love to relive in your memory, the moment that springs to mind when you think of "your happiest moment" .... i, however, would argue there is no HAPPIEST moment .... can't you have that supreme happiness more than once .... even a lot .... whether it is the first day at home with newborn twins .... or swimming in the galapagos with your four favorite people and penguins .... or marveling at a herd of buffalo with your six favorite people ...... or twirling in the backyard with fall leaves and a tiny white dog .... or walking the youngest to school holding hands .... i don't want to quantify happiness (nor do i want you to ... i'm bossy like that) .... let's just be happy with what we have when we have it ...to know it when you have it....to be intentional about looking for joy .... to be aware of it when it's there ...  and when we don't have it, just muddle on til you find it again .... or to even work hard to find it again .....

i find it much easier to be happy than to be not happy ... not happy is such a drain for me ... but some people find happiness harder, i think ... it's easier(or maybe i mean more natural)  to be cynical or flat or sullen for some people ... does it depend on how you're wired? is it a nature vs. nurture question? is it some of each ?

that was my long answer ...
the short answer:
my happiest momentS are the ones when i am aware of how happy i am and how lovely it is to find the joy in small things ...

yesterday, i played about ten games of mexican train dominos with little.e.beck.artist ... i was not trying, but i won 8 out of the ten games ... those two games that she won? those were happiest for me ... making me a grownup, huh? but i do not believe those two were happiest for her ... i think her happiest were the ones where she remembered to push the button that makes the choo choo train noises ...

here's to joy ...
here's to happy stuff ...
what's your happy stuff?